Dear light source,
I think I found you. You've evaded me countless times, whether it be because I just don't care enough or I wasn't ready to care, because I wasn't good enough yet, or because something else intervened.
"You are the light to my soul. You are my purpose, you're everything."
I can't look bad. Every day I attempt to look nice, just for you, my light source. You're the reason for everything, and you don't even know it.
"How can I stand here with you, and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this."
I can tell me.
When you're here, it'll be better.

I'm sorry, but I can't stand it. You must have no idea how unimportant I truly feel. It's terrible. No ones likes to feel unimportant, what is that? Why are you allowed to grieve but I can't? And why can't I...
Do anything anymore.
It's just.
you.
now.
And that's fucked up.
I want to scream it, but my voice can't do tricks like that. I have to be really angry, and I don't even get angry anymore. I just cry. That's all I do anymore. All I do. Cry. You aren't here, I cry. I'm not here, I cry. We aren't here.
I cry.
I cry.
I cry.
Almost every day now.
I think seeing Susan doesn't sound like a bad idea anymore.
I don't need. I really don't. I mean I've got so much to do and all I do is wait.
I don't paint or read or do anything productive.
Nope.
I sit.
I watch tv.
I watch a movie.
I drink.
I eat.
I sleep.
I wait.
I wait.
I want.
I wait.
I wait.
I wait.
I wait.
And.
It.
Never.
Fucking.
Matters.
Does
It?
nope. no. Matter? ME? When? How? From who? and why? Who cares about this, no one. It's like, the dumbest thing I've ever done. I can't believe I'm doing this to myself.
Epiphany?
Eh.
Whatever.
I just hate this, I hate what I see in the mirrors, I hate people telling me I'm pretty when I know better.
I hate it.
Just stop lying to me already.
Just wake up.
<3.
It Isn't real, anyway.

To be thankful.
What do I have.
I have Keila, and a few other friends that I should be thankful for. Without them I don't know where I'd be. By now I'd honestly probably still be with Susan...even though I belong with her now.
This weight on my heart is only getting heavier.
Susan.
I don't know what to do, I'm not sure where I am. But I know it isn't in a good place. I know. I know what you'd say. I know what she would say...But it breaks my heart to think about it. It's wrong. All wrong. And maybe I'm being silly, but this isn't what I pictured. I feel like everything you said, everything you tried with me, was all for nothing. I just make more mistakes...or the same ones, with different people. Different faces. God I'm so sorry. I'm glad you can't see me now, even though I'll probably be seeing you soon. If you knew how I felt every day you'd probably come see you too. You've been my salvation, just one of my four foundation poles that I seem to teeter on regardless of the four anyone else would be balanced on. The new one is feeble and crumbling before me, and I know what you'd say.
I think sometimes we need to fall. Getting back up isn't the hardest part. It's being able to look at yourself again and being able to look past the monster you've become in that period of time. I don't know. Those three words just keep repeating. I don't know. I don't know.
My head doesn't know. My heart doesn't know shit. My throat is empty and I'm starting to feel the hunger there.
But I can't help but feel that, though I am not alone, I simply am. Everyone feels this. Everyone knows. The pain caused my an insatiable loneliness is terrible, pure and simple, detrimental to anyone's health. I know that first part is silly, for I am really, really not alone. My mother is here, firm, holding me up. I know if she wasn't I'd be gone by now. My father, weaker than my mother, is holding her up, but his weakness effects us all. Even though he definitely isn't the weakest. Then there is you. Your smiling face seems to warm my heart regardless of the day I'm having. In my mornings with you I feel human again. I can smile and laugh, even if I don't want to. I long to be able to really look you in the eye. I don't know what you see, but it can't be good, and you as my best friend know that. You may know I'm struggling, holding onto something, my weight pulling against me which will in the end kill me. But can you really see it? Or is is just a feeling. I want to call out for help, but my lips are sewn shut. My eyes are glazed over. I don't even feel like a person anymore.
But that's the damnable misery of being human, isn't it?
You'd give everything up for the one thing you've always wanted.

But instead of working against myself I'll try to work with what I've got. This shell will fall away, and it'll end, oh I know it'll end. That's the scariest part. I'm curious to see what will be left of me when you go. But it's okay. I'll just play it like a record. Our lives, a record. But I know you'll be the one to stop it this time. I'm hoping you will so I won't have to. I'm done casting each of you out like broken sea shells back into the ocean, looking for...looking for a perfect one.
Why bother.
I want to say.
But this heart needs to love. How unfortunate.

The only glimmer of hope for my future is the plans, and boy do I love plans, to run away for a month and go to my Japan. The place I've always felt tied to, I just didn't know it. Home maybe?
Two homes. One here. One there. And wouldn't that be beautiful.

I feel like you're slipping through my hands like sand. The hands I thought were so capable before are now like air. Like they aren't even opaque, but now translucent.
Have I found you? Flightless bird...

"Ur always pretty"

LOL
Good one.

I think it's really funny how you take it upon yourself to treat me like an idiot. I have half a mind to curse you and your pathetic excuse for a person of a best friend you have the fuck out. You both make me fucking sick. Don't compare me to people, I'm not above anyone, so stop acting like I am and that I think I am. I don't. I'm not. I never have been. I never will be.
Fuck you. You don't know me, you don't know anything.
40+ years and you'd think you would've learned at least one thing by now.
You're even more pathetic than I am.

I think the time is coming soon that I don't even know if I'll be able to look you in the eye anymore. Maybe because I'll know, I'll see it reflected in your eyes, how ugly I've become, and how foolish. I'm doing exactly what I've told myself countless times not to. I don't know what to do. I can't know. There's nothing here, just ridiculous emptiness and a lie.
He told me he'd come, he told me I mattered, that I was one of the only people he actually gave a shit about. I didn't know I mattered that much to him, which is nice to hear. At least I actually matter, I seem to do that a lot to people I'd never think I would matter to. We talk about his girlfriend, how similar our positions are with everything. We get feedback from each other, it's a nice compromise. He's pretty cool...
For a guy.

But I still don't know what I'm doing, who I am.
I feel like I've lost myself. I'm playing go fish alone and trying to find the match I seem to have lost however long ago I'd played the game before. Sometimes I try and wonder what the point is in all this. I think I need to go to Susan. I might ask my mom.
Because I have nothing left in me.
You have it all.
And it's not a good thing.

I really didn't mean to, I think. But it hurts, and you don't seem to mind when the pain is being dealt on someone that isn't you.
I can't be the toy. That isn't what I'm supposed to be now, not what I'm destined to be later.
I don't know what to do with whatever this thing is.

Allowed to have what I can't?
I don't see the rationality in it, or any sign of sense. I've been standing here for years, all I do is wait.
And you act like you're worthless.

I said them for a reason, I meant it. I really did. I mean, maybe I lied a little.
Not everyone, just people that happen to be in your situation.
I know it's true, and it's about time you took a dosage of your own medicine.
So it hurt, didn't it?

I understand now that what comes from this dark place mustn't be explained.
It'll be hard, but that's okay.
Everything always gets worse before it gets better.

He isn't, and you're fucking wrong.
What the hell do you know?
You fucking don't know anything.
Don't tell me it'll be okay, don't tell me what I have to do.
Because all you are is a fucking hypocrite and I'm tired of it.
I can't believe this.

At the moment I have no one to say this to, so I'll say it to whoever decides to read this.
I'm going to have a fucking nervous breakdown.
Why am I not allowed to be human anymore?
I'm not a robot. I fucking feel. I FEEL. I feel SO much, too much, way too much.
But it's like I'm not even allowed to.
I'm not allowed the fear the impending doom that is change?
When the fuck did I become an uninhibited god?
Why...
can't...
I...
be...
human.
Why can't I fear my mistakes, every wrong turn, every oops that I've made that could fuck up my future?
Am I making more?
Why am I not allowed to be scared!
I'm so fucked up right now...
I can't deal with this.
I don't know what to do.
I'm screaming. I'm screaming in a crowd of people and no one is looking up. I'm not even there.
I'm a fucking ghost.
I'm fucking dead.
Why can't you understand...
Why.
I wasn't fucking handed this!
SO many tears, so much fucking effort, and I'm only at the beginning. THE START.
And already I'm so fucking captivating.
So perfect.
Why am I allowed to be your fucking scapegoat?
WHY
AM
I
NOT
ALLOWED
TO
FEEL
ANYMORE.

I really have no time to give a fuck about this anymore.

Happy birthday, you fuck up.

I haven't written anything good, of interest, or anything really legible for weeks. I don't know where I am, I don't know what I'm doing, and things are really starting to swell. My body, my heart, says, "It's almost over."
But my mind knows better.
Yet I'm still lazy.
Distraction.
Distraction.
Distraction.

I met Justin on October 2/3 officially. He asked me to be his the 27th. I'll go with that as our "day".
Things are sweet, light hearted, but still sweet. Even though I know better I'd say these feelings are getting heavier by the minute.
It's like an ocean is slowly pouring itself down my throat, the water building up in my feet and beginning its ascent to my head. I can taste the salt, the way it burns scares me a little but you get past the pain in time. You get past the dehydration, the insanity becomes familiar, and you're in heaven. I can taste them sometimes, when I'm crying. The salt in the ocean water. And even though all this water is coming in I feel light. I feel uninhibited. I feel loved...
And maybe that's all I've ever wanted.
He really is beautiful, as I pick up these pieces and try to put together his puzzle I learn more and more...but the things I see and learn don't scare me. Incredibly loving. Absolutely incredibly loving. The sweet nothings he gives to me have awakened this thing inside me I never thought had existed. Something maternal, something warm. Something very impatient, but attentive and swollen with pride and determination. Something that feels so much and is blinded by it's own feeble eyes. Maybe it has always been there, in the end, now that I think about it...it was simply bound there because of lack of acknowledgment. Mistreated, I thought it had long passed on, or left it's foolish pursuit of something other people take for granted.

You know they questioned me today. They couldn't believe what I was doing, how far from me you are.
It doesn't matter.
In the end I know you're coming for me, that's all that matters to me.

How asexual everyone thinks I am. xD

I love you. x3