I haven't written anything good, of interest, or anything really legible for weeks. I don't know where I am, I don't know what I'm doing, and things are really starting to swell. My body, my heart, says, "It's almost over."
But my mind knows better.
Yet I'm still lazy.
Distraction.
Distraction.
Distraction.

I met Justin on October 2/3 officially. He asked me to be his the 27th. I'll go with that as our "day".
Things are sweet, light hearted, but still sweet. Even though I know better I'd say these feelings are getting heavier by the minute.
It's like an ocean is slowly pouring itself down my throat, the water building up in my feet and beginning its ascent to my head. I can taste the salt, the way it burns scares me a little but you get past the pain in time. You get past the dehydration, the insanity becomes familiar, and you're in heaven. I can taste them sometimes, when I'm crying. The salt in the ocean water. And even though all this water is coming in I feel light. I feel uninhibited. I feel loved...
And maybe that's all I've ever wanted.
He really is beautiful, as I pick up these pieces and try to put together his puzzle I learn more and more...but the things I see and learn don't scare me. Incredibly loving. Absolutely incredibly loving. The sweet nothings he gives to me have awakened this thing inside me I never thought had existed. Something maternal, something warm. Something very impatient, but attentive and swollen with pride and determination. Something that feels so much and is blinded by it's own feeble eyes. Maybe it has always been there, in the end, now that I think about it...it was simply bound there because of lack of acknowledgment. Mistreated, I thought it had long passed on, or left it's foolish pursuit of something other people take for granted.

You know they questioned me today. They couldn't believe what I was doing, how far from me you are.
It doesn't matter.
In the end I know you're coming for me, that's all that matters to me.

How asexual everyone thinks I am. xD

I love you. x3

I don't care. I felt like there was so much to say before...my life is turning to shit. What am I going to do now?
I'm such a mess, who could love this?
I'm so stuck, I feel incredibly empty and my stomach hurts. I'm tired. I'm angsty and my drive is in park.
I don't know what this is, but I feel ridiculously lonely.
It hurts.
It's so stupid, there isn't even anything to be depressed about...
But do you really think you could understand if I told you?
This doesn't look good.

What the fuck is this terrible feeling? I feel sick, no, not sick, polluted, like someone shoved their hand through my abdomen and squeezed whatever they could grasp first. My back is curling over, my eyes are closing. The bags are black and discolored. My skin is cracking and falling. These veins are retracting beneath my skin, and curling away like an abused child. I feel like the roots I've painted all these months. There are tears, but they will always be invisible to you. I feel with this, this burden resting inside of me, that happiness will never linger for long periods of time. What is it but a chemical reaction in my mind, telling me to smile? I'm no extraordinary machine, I'm just rusted scrap metal. I'm like everything else...but at least I can still shine, and maybe somewhere in you you can see my shimmer. I hope so. I really do.

It's times like these when I feel my worst. When someone that holds a piece of me is falling apart too, and I share the emotions they produce. My eyes get heavy, and the tears are there and yet they are not. The smile dissipates. And yet nothing changes all at the same time. My expressions don't change. Nothing changes, except my heart. Nothing is new, just old, feelings I've felt since I was young.
And yet here they are, ready to fall to chase away whatever pretty is left on my face tonight.
Sometimes, eyes need to rain.

Earlier while I was laying down, I let my left hand dance across my stomach. I let it lay flat, which reminded how my right hand cannot be held perfectly straight anymore...or lay flat, which is something I just checked on. It's only the beginning of the slow deterioration. Interesting enough, though, my nails are growing. I remember the last time I let them grow, they were actually quite beautiful. Then everything got a little worse each day, and they kept breaking...
So I bit them as much as possible. Sometimes it hurt.
It's almost like a metaphor.
Everything that extends from me is both tragic and beautiful, and sometimes incredibly happy. It grows like tree roots, finding my way for me through the day with a smile and some laughter. And there is always sun, whether its someone new coming into my life that I think I can love or a new and very exciting experience.
Then everything turns to shit again, and the roots deteriorate.
I guess you can always tell when I'm miserable.
Look at my hands.













"If you wanna know what kind of life a person had, just look at their hands." - Dolores Claibourne

I wish I did, but I can't. I don't, can't and won't. I never will. Why? When I'm so willing and easy to get to, it's still so hard? I'm VULNERABLE. I NEVER WANT TO BE VULNERABLE. NEVER.
But I'd be whatever you wanted.
I'll let it run dry. The only thing that promotes my self changing experience is when this happens, and even though I am not in the end, I can still pretend.

I can still

Act like the day will come soon.
 

Well if anything bad hasnt happend yet whats the point in feeling bad? Life is nothing more than a series of moments, so why dont you make the best of those moments? Otherwise your not gunna allow anything happy to happen at the fear something bad might happen. So, just live for the now, thats why they call today the presant not the future or the past :p- C.B.

So my friend wrote that to me, I guess I'm going to take his advice, regardless of the outcome. Why I bother with happiness to begin with is beyond me, but I have to be content with my life some of the time. >_>

"In your blue moon I am brought into relief beautifully, my insides on display."

Distraction.
Is a good name for you right about now. I miss this, even now. I know the feeling won't linger, but for as long as I can I'll be squeezing all the feelings from the ridiculous tumor I call a heart. I love this, the feeling.
It's the knowing, the brain, that's getting in the way.

Because I'm so easily upset...
I don't know anymore. What do I do now?

There isn't much more to say except that I'm going to be quite miserable when this fades away.
Everything this good fades.
It never lasts.
And it never says good bye.
It's like,
see you in a year,
instead of,
you're still not good enough, and you know you never will be.
I guess you always just try to lighten the mood, to take as much away from the pain, with an I'm sorry or it wasn't mean to be.
You're all the same being.
I know the answer, and I can only hypothesize that this will be no different.

I wish it wasn't true, that it'd be different.
But in the end, I know you won't.

You're still a bitch.

Lately I've been hard to reach, the only comfort I feel is that it won't be like this forever. The memories will fade, this day won't matter, and all that will be left is this entry to remember that it all happened. To remember what I was and what that means. My pain is self chosen, maybe I'm so lonely because I've done something wrong. Did I do something wrong? Or am I doing everything right? I could either burn or cut off my pride to buy some time. Apple.
I'll write to remember. To remember the feeling of this emptiness, this strange blooming in my chest, the birth of a heart...or of a hole. I'm not sure which is which. I'm so exhausted, from carrying this burden, this cluster of unused emotion, that I can't even remove the skin. I can't yell at her, I feel no capacity to feel, my body is so tired. I only wish I had known. Take me away, where my life can be my own. I want to sit in the dark, outside, and watch the moon rise. I want to watch the sun set, I have to be uninhibited. I want to go, I want to see. I want to touch, I want the kiss. I want to hear. I want. I want the beautiful night.

My lip stopped bleeding, I bit it yesterday, probably the second worst time I've done so. There is so much iron in my blood, I'm not sure if that's a good thing...I didn't pay much attention in health. I wish it would heal already, it's very inconveniencing. Second try.
I didn't enjoy looking in the mirror to find my bottom lip a bad tissue for my little oops.
I wish it would stop.

I am so close, and yet so far away. We grew up together, and regardless of the years of separation we still manage to be incredibly similar.
I can't stand this feeling, it's so fucking debilitating. And now I'M the creep. The seasons blow on by like the seconds of these glorious days, and yet we still remain alone. Now I strive and wonder...
If it were different...would the situation be?
Or is it something else?
It's my eyes, isn't it.

Glitches.

So I should be in bed right now, instead I'm wasting time here while I could be having possibly pleasant dreams I'll never remember.
My hair is wet, my contacts are dry, my body is waging a war on itself, and I'm leaving for Paterson tomorrow.
It's my first time going to Nyc alone, and I'm kinda scared.
Well, maybe not scared.
I don't really know.
I'm definitely excited, not only to see Anika but to go to China town and all that good stuff.
It's my first taste of true, unbridled freedom. Once I step out of my mom's car I'm history...
And that could definitely be the end of my life.
What If I died Saturday?
I mean, what if?
And would you care?
Would you be able to go on?
And how hard would I fight?
How would it happen?
The fact is, it won't, it can't. I have too much to live for, and self preservation never sounded so beautiful.
Now that I'm worried, good night.