It's been 9 days now. Well, 9 days in about 11 minutes. 9. Days. Without. You. Nine days without goodnight. Nine days without I love you. Nine days without you beside me. Even though you weren't there I always felt like a part of you really was there. I guess I was wrong in the end. With your Christmas gift I wrote this.
My Sniffles,
Merry Christmas Baby. Every time I tried to get this to you something got in the way, so I figured I’d just wait a little while. As the days pass I’ll add to this, because I don’t want to write the whole thing at 1:08 AM. I don’t know what this is, nothing short of amazing. I just sigh all day, I heard once that that means you’re in love. I think I am, which is something truly interesting. I’ve never allowed myself that, or tried for that, or honestly wanted that. I didn’t know what love was, how could I? I measured being in it by how old you are and with competence. Now I feel like all that has simply gone to shit, and to hell with trying to be adult about it. I’ll just come out and say it this way, because I’m not sure I could ever manage to open my mouth in front of you and tell you. In nearly two months I’ve allowed you to become what, in the beginning, I told you not to make me. I’ve made you my world. And everything revolves around you. Really think about that, let it set in, how much emotion and feeling I have for you. I don’t know if I can convey it in words, but I’ll try. You really are everything. Tonight I sat outside for a long time, and worried my mom in the process. You said to me, “It looks like the stars are drifting all over tonight” I went outside. There were no stars here, whatever hung above in the atmosphere blocked everything out... Everything but the moon, and that would come into view only a couple times. I noticed while I waited for you to reply how it lit up the clouds around it when it could be seen, and how it gave the clouds depth. It reminded me that there was more up there than what I could see, which was merely deep shades of grey. I cried. I felt alone, so alone, and I hadn’t expected you to text me when you did...but it made it better. I told you how there were no stars, and how depressing It felt, how alone I felt. You said, “Is it the fact that we see a wholeness in an unshrouded sky?” I said, “Or that we’re just not alone.” You said a wholeness, and I replied with I guess, if that’s what you want to call it. I don’t always feel whole when I’m with people. You asked me, “But you do with a person?” I had said it depends on that person... But you should know by now that you are one of the only people that can make me feel whole again. Sure there’s Keila, Anika too. Even my mother can yank me back out of my depression and insecurity. But now I’m sure you’re one of those people, if not the first. I don’t think you realize how alone I feel when you’re gone, or asleep. I just feel distant, too distant, from you and myself. It’s funny, I mean, you’re not dead or anything, but in my mind you might as well be. And when you say how you’re here with me, regardless of the fact that you aren’t here physically, it makes me smile. But I need you here. You can’t tease me about being with me like that when you know I wish you could be more than anything, you butt. :3 But I mean it when I say that, how I really want you to be here, and when you leave I don’t know what I’m going to do. Well, yes I do. Cry. >_> But I’ll just skip over that.
I didn't get to finish it. I was going to send it with your gifts. I was. When I was searching for it I found this. I cried.
11/23/09
Katato says:
x3
then what :3
Sniffles says:
as time went on, I talked to her more and more and then convinced her to get msn :3
Katato says:
XD
Sniffles says:
She was like "hmmm why not!" and then she got to talk to me alot more
Katato says:
^w^
Sniffles says:
shortly after that moment, she became really ^w^ and O////O and
over the one on the otherside of thw world
Katato says:
XDDD
Sniffles says:
soon after that, sniffles was able to talk to him on teh phone and via texts :3
He would get text msgs during school while she was already 3 hours ahead and outta class
Katato says:
x3
orly?
Sniffles says:
ya really
durning lunch, math, algebra, painting and so on
I would get silly texts from a silly girl
Katato says:
XD
what a loserrrrr
>w<
Sniffles says:
she was adorable though
Katato says:
x3
this is good?
x3
Sniffles says:
sure XD
I knew she liked me and it was quite nice :3
I liked her ^^
everytime i saw her in the box she would be all like >////< and giggly lol
Katato says:
XD
Sniffles says:
Her weakness was teh body :3
she would nosebleed from time to time
Katato says:
WTF XD
Sniffles says:
everytime he went shirtless and showed some leg XDDD
Katato says:
>_>
Sniffles says:
Especially teh legs :3
She secretly loved it alot
oh and the shirtless
Katato says:
>_<
hate u
xD
Sniffles says:
she said she hated it out loud, but her body language said other wise
she was in a sort of denial yet acceptance
Katato says:
x3
Sniffles says:
she would try to hide alot when she saw her weakness
secretly she would take a few peaks here and there
she would be like >w< and go back hiding
Katato says:
psh
sounds like a lie to me
Sniffles says:
you're right....She ALWAYS looked while pretending to be hiding something a little more like >:3
Katato says:
omg >_>
Sniffles says:
no matter how much time past by
thats how she was
Katato says:
>_<
Sniffles says:
she was always O////O :3
with him
Katato says:
exploiting a certain someones issues doesnt sound too nice :3
Sniffles says:
Im just telling you a story ^_^
but as i was
Even though she would be all O///O she would also be very giggly
and i mean GIGGLY!!
Katato says:
>_>
Sniffles says:
she was just full of giggles
Katato says:
yeah I wonder why
Sniffles says:
cause...
She had teh sniffles
it made her giggly
and occasionally wiggly
Katato says:
>w<
Sniffles says:
one day....she got this...^3^
Katato says:
wazat
x3
Sniffles says:
a kiss :3
Katato says:
x3
Sniffles says:
and an i luff chuu
Katato says:
^////^
Sniffles says:
there she goes again!! ^///^ ^3^
just so adorable!
Katato says:
>_<
Sniffles says:
awwww ^^
shes soooo cute and adorable
Katato says:
really?
:3
Sniffles says:
really
like right now
shes doing it was i tell her this story
Katato says:
xD
Sniffles says:
I bet right now she wants me just give her a great big hug
Katato says:
mayyyybe
Sniffles says:
maaaaaybe, she needs a kiss too :3
and someone she can just snuggle ^__^
Katato says:
I think so :3
Sniffles says:
i think so too
she wants her cuddle buddy for starters
Katato says:
mhmmm ^^
Sniffles says:
I bet she just wants to cuddle on her bed until we fall asleep
Katato says:
Mhm
but she cant and that makes her a sad sniffle :3
Sniffles says:
buuut....she still has him talking to her right now about it ^^
trying to make her not sad
Katato says:
that helps :3
Sniffles says:
its suppose to
Katato says:
^w^
Sniffles says:
*snuggles*
Katato says:
I thinkkkk
she gets really upset a lot cuz she cant cuddle her sniffles :3
Sniffles says:
I think she has every right to get upset =/
Sniffles is practially on the other side of the world
but
Sniffles can always talk to you no matter how far you are =)
I can still feel you
Katato says:
:3
sometimes I can't :/
Sniffles says:
im here for you
I am, I try
Katato says:
I know
Im just a sniffle
:3
Sniffles says:
im just trying to sort my life out right now
Katato says:
same
its terrible >_>
Sniffles says:
It is =/
but its something we all must =/
Katato says:
all that makes it better is that it wont be like this forever
i hope
>_<
Sniffles says:
It will never be like that forever
Some things were built to fall
Katato says:
good :3
Sniffles says:
mhmm
Katato says:
I'm lucky ^^
Sniffles says:
how so :3
Katato says:
cuz I has yew. :3
Sniffles says:
^______________^
If i could, i would snuggle and kiss you all night ^^
Katato says:
x3333
you will
imma get yew ^^
Sniffles says:
sometimes i can get pretty affectionate >w<]
ima get you back
Katato says:
aw x3
im weird >_<
im not used to affection xD
Sniffles says:
i love to be affectionate but i dont want to show it to ppl unless i can trust you >w<
Katato says:
dont worry, im only gonna record it and sent it to anika
thats all
...
LOL
XD
jkkkk x3
Sniffles says:
i am only affectionate to ppl i like :3
hint hint
Katato says:
Sniffles says:
lol
Katato says:
you're so cute
Sniffles says:
maaaaaaybeee :3
Katato says:
nooooo
you are :3
Sniffles says:
^______________^ maaaaaayybbe ^3^
Katato says:
yes ^^
Sniffles says:
sniffles is tired
you not me xD
Katato says:
x3
eh a little.
I should at least go upstairs soon
my dad'll be all
rawr
cuz hes jealous :3
Sniffles says:
i should crawl into bed too
Jealous cause hes old and not sniffly?
Katato says:
no x3
Sniffles says:
XD
Katato says:
hes jealous cuz he thinks I love you more than him :3
or something
>_>
Sniffles says:
im ready to pass out XD
Katato says:
x3
then go sleepy :3
Sniffles says:
i think ill go now
im >w< *passes out on kait*
Katato says:
haha
u do that and i'll tickle u to death
XD
if im standing up anyway xD
Sniffles says:
ill kiss you and act EXTRA cute if you try that
>:3
Katato says:
o god >_<
nuuuu x3
Sniffles says:
YUSH!!!
Katato says:
Nuuu!
...shhhh?
XD
Sniffles says:
nonsense :3
Katato says:
NOOOUUUSHHH
XD
Sniffles says:
I can use my cuteness against you :3
Katato says:
Im defenseless! you arent allowed!
Sniffles says:
you know you would like it >w<
Katato says:
>_<
nu uhhhh
Sniffles says:
MHMMM !
Katato says:
nuu UHH
Sniffles says:
you would be all like O///////////O 8D
XD
Katato says:
I
am
defenseless
and its not fair.
>_<
Sniffles says:
its fair enough :3
im going to bed now >__<
Im too tired
Katato says:
Lies. >_> go go go!
Sniffles says:
ill be in your bed ^^
Katato says:
lies.
XD
Sniffles says:
I might be shirtless :3
Katato says:
AYE
NO
XD
Sniffles says:
naked??? XDDD
Katato says:
O_O
HELL NO
I WILL FUZE UR CLOTHES TO U
XD
Sniffles says:
dun worry
I dont sleep in the nude
Katato says:
>_< bessa nawt xD
Sniffles says:
only sometimes in summer??? XDDD
Katato says:
guess what
Sniffles says:
waht
Katato says:
u visitin in the winter
xD
Sniffles says:
SUMMR IT IZZZ
Katato says:
>wM
sadadsadsa
XD
go to bed crazy
XD
Sniffles says:
lol !!!
remebmer...im in bed sleeping with you :3
Katato says:
>_<
im sleeping on the futon infront of my bed then xD
get cho shirt on boi!
xD
Sniffles says:
im still with you
SEE !!
you imagining me shirtless and everything XDDD
Katato says:
STFU
>_<
Sniffles says:
you know you like it
Katato says:
omg >_<
Sniffles says:
SHIRTLESS SNIFFLES !
Katato says:
Sniffles says:
HES SHIRTLESS OMG!
look at that bodhy
body
Katato says:
no.
XD
Sniffles says:
you know you stare
you like that bare chest
Katato says:
I cant even respond to that.
XD
Sniffles says:
its ok
Katato says:
>_<
Sniffles says:
just imagine
its all you need :3
Katato says:
wtf.
XD
imma kill u
I swear
xD
Sniffles says:
you cant kill me
im just that gewd
Katato says:
x3
ur a butt xD
Sniffles says:
good night kaitlyn ^^
dont make me hit your butt :3
Katato says:
AYE
MY BUTT
IS FO ME
XD
XD
no touchie xD!!!
Sniffles says:
*poke*
Katato says:
>_<
Sniffles says:
i love you ^^ Good night
I can't read it. Maybe one day, when all the emotion fades. When you fade. I don't know if you'll see this, or if you're even going to bother with me anymore. I'm stupid enough to let you. To let you back in. This week of no word has absolutely destroyed me. There is no broken cell phone or computer. You're there, perfectly capable of talking to me. But you won't. For whatever reason. I guess it's time to give up. I wish I didn't have to but I can't wait. I needed you, and you weren't there. Or you didn't want to be. I guess only you know the answer to that. But I thought it was real, and I thought it would last. I thought it'd be different. I still have my hope. I still have these idiotic daydreams of you texting me at some point. Earlier I even contemplated the reason behind the lack of word was because you were going to surprise me with a visit. What a fool I am. I erased your number. I deleted your MSN. I guess the next step is your myspace. I wonder if you think everything will be the same when you come home. Honestly, you never existed. Just like every other time the Justin I knew doesn't exist. He never did. He loved me once. He cared. He wanted me, not just like that.
He was just a facade. A clay doll I made to love just like all the others. I'm sorry if none of this is true. I have to admit I over reacted... but it hurt to see you there and to wait only to see you leave without a word. It hurt when my texts went unanswered. I guess you found someone else or don't want me anymore. Or maybe you have no idea I'm going through this. I'm gonna go with the latter. They know about it, and they'll be mad if I let you back in. I don't know what to say. Or what to do. I miss you so fucking much. I feel like you left me. Like you just ripped from my heart what was yours and left me with nothing. I feel empty. But this is the first time I've been able to cry in days. I guess it's nice to see I'm not entirely numb anymore...but this is probably the last time for a while if not one of the last. My numbing pain doesn't leave for a while. Takes time. Probably around a year to be able to look back and not miss you. My heart hurts. Not as much as it had before, but the pain lingers.
So I'll go to bed now and maybe I'll cry, maybe I won't. I'll probably just cling to the pillow I prayed would be you one day.
I miss you. I love you. I need you. But I think if I can't deal with my boyfriend not talking to me for a week (As suspicious, abnormal, unacceptable and rude that is)...then maybe I shouldn't have one to begin with. I'll blame myself. It's easier this way. I'm used to it by now, being the cause of the failure. I was probably annoying and cruel at times. I probably ticked you off a lot. Oh well. You don't have to deal with me anymore. Sorry.
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